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Q&A science

May 1, 2014

In order to prove a theory (and procrastinate via a spectacularly stupid joke) I asked people on facebook to ask me an honest question about anything, in hopes of proving my theory that all questions can be answered by one of three stock responses: 1) “Not according to Judge Judy.” 2) NIGHT BEES! 2) Cuz of Night Rider.

Here are the results! (and I answered some questions at the end honestly, because I kinda felt like a dick)

Q) Do you have clones in every major city in North America?

A) Not according to Judge Judy!

 Q) Why are you so small?

A) Cuz of Night Rider

Q) What’s the fastest land mammal?


Q) why do I need my father’s approval and love?

A: Cuz of Night Rider

 Q) Will you go on a date with me?

A) Not according to Judge Judy!

Q) Where have all the flowers gone?


Q) Why am I an asshole?

A: Cuz of Night Rider

Q) What’s next?


Q: Pie? or Cake?


 Q) Why is Jack a girl?

A: Cuz of Night Rider

 Q) do you think i’m a cool dude? what do you think of me in general?


Q) How do you sleep at night?

A) Cuz of Night Rider

Q: When you think about the future for you specifically, do you feel like you have so much left to experience or that the best of your years are over?

A) Not according to Judge Judy

 Q) Are you crying inside?

A: Cuz of Night Rider

Conclusion: It is my professional, scientific opinion that the results of this test confirm that roughly 90% of life’s questions can be answered by the three preset answers.  For the remaining 10%, here are some real answers:

 Q) How do you avoid getting busted for trespass during urban exploration?

A) By not being a moron. 80% of busts are because the explorer was walking in the open and not paying attention, was being loud or going during the wrong time. That’s not to say I haven’t gotten caught, but I’ve avoided the unnecessary busts by just being aware of my surroundings.

Q) How you make money off this exploring thing?

A) I don’t, really. Sometimes I sell prints or things I’ve found, but mostly it’s a…for lack of a less horrible phrase…labor of love. BARF. 

 q) When is your next book coming out?

A) Museum of Mistakes: the Fart Party Omnibus comes out this September. As for new material, who knows.

Q) Do you secretly hope your cat will become internet famous because of his stupid cute face?

A) Oh hell yes. Also how do I get paid for that?

Q) Do you really believe the maxim, “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”?

A) Having had many life experiences during which death, either physical or emotional, was a possibility, I can assure you that I do not believe in that sentiment, because I am a weak and middling person.

Q) Was working with the kids you describe in “Drinking at the Movies” more rewarding or frustrating for you personally? Would you do it again?

A) Well, some of the kids were total dicks, but working with them was rewarding in the sense that it’s fascinating to watch kids be exposed to a new method of creativity that they haven’t tried before. The ones who got into it really got into it, and they made some pretty hilarious comics. Also I like kids, they’re hysterical, they never have any idea what they’re talking about and sometimes they’re rude as hell, like the kid who told me I was “stumpy.”

Q) How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop if you’re *not* a professorial owl?

A) As a professional scientist who has spent many years studying professorial owls and their behavior patterns in the context of Tootsie Pop licking, taking into account their measurements of tongue girth and pedantic determination to reach said Tootsie Roll center, I am sorry to say that the answer to this burning question will forever remain one of mankind’s greatest unsolved mysteries. Sorry, bro.

 Q) What is your favorite memory?

A) It’s definitely not this thing I just did.