FYI- the panel towards the end about being sick all the time is a reference to being diagnosed with systemic lupus in 2003, a few months before this cookie fiasco took place.
Also, after the comic, some exciting and thrilling facts about malls!
The End! The moral of this incredibly stupid story is stay the hell away from malls! Except for the Mall of America, where you go when you want to experience all the bad feelings you’ve ever had all at one, terrible time and then feel nothing for a week after because you’ve drained all your emotional resources and replaced them with the world’s biggest douchechill. It’s kind of A Thing everyone should do at least once.
facts about malls! the Mall of America is the second largest mall in the US. Often incorrectly listed as the largest, it’s 2.78 million square feet and there’s one in Pennsylvania that’s 2.79 million square feet. Burn! But the Mall of America has the distinction of having its own zip code and garners roughly 40 million vistors a year. That’s more than the Disney World, Graceland and the Grand Canyon COMBINED. Basically, more people are going to the Gap and Build-A-Bear than are visiting homages to Walt Disney, Elvis and the Lord, the three most powerful men in America.
The largest mall in the world (in China) is 7.1 million square feet. Wrap your lil’ mind around that gigantic monstrosity! Or don’t, because it’s 99% vacant and 75% of the amazement/horror of malls is other people, so in reality the largest mall in the world is just a very large, expensive disappointment. But China is still on top of the shit pile with the 2nd largest mall in the world, coming in at a formidable 6 million square feet of Cinnabon, boob mugs and hologram crystals of you and your fucking cat, if that’s your thing.
California has the most malls of all the 50 states. Does that surprise you? Well it shouldn’t, since California is the 3rd largest state in the US. The largest is Alaska, but it’s just full of snow and bears and stuff and Texas, the 2nd largest, is all filled up with old western facades of saloons and places to buy turquoise jewelry. The smallest mall in the world is the Dixonville Country Mall in Canada, a title clearly bestowed upon it by locals so who gives a shit about that.
Besides deliberately planning confusing layouts so consumers cannot make an easy exit, malls are often designed to have tile or wood flooring in the halls because some study somewhere showed that women tend to spend more when they can hear the heels of their shoes clicking on the floor like a bunch of bourgeoisie horses stricken with shopping madness. The insides of most stores are carpeted or semi-carpeted, to create a sense of comfort and homeyness, which doesn’t make sense to me because when I think of those two things, I think of watching TV in my pajamas while filling my couch with farts, not buying expensive, uncomfortable clothes that make me hate myself.
Wait a sec, why am I researching all of this? ugh just forget it.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
The Pixonville Country Mall doesn’t seem to exist according to google. Source please. Trivial information makes my day.
I loved the story and I loved the mall info! Please keep trivial info coming!
The moral of the story would rather be- Do no pot (cookies).
My guess for the Pennsylvania mall is probably the King of Prussia Mall. I live five minutes away, but never go. I think 90% of the stores are women’s shoes. 8% women’s clothing and 2% food court stores.
The only thing cool about this mall is it’s name, KING OF PRUSSIA. Sounds like a guy wearing a funky helmet and wearing a monocle.
“women tend to spend more when they can hear the heels of their shoes clicking on the floor like a bunch of horses stricken with shopping madness”
This line is the best line among other very good lines.
Worse than going to a mall after too many pot cookies? Going to Disneyland after too many pot cookies. I spent an EXTREMELY paranoid couple of hours trying to convince my boyfriend to let us get the hell out of there. When he finally relented, we were about 50 yards from the exit when I saw that goddamn barbershop quartet on a bicycle built for four, and just about had a terror stroke right on the sidewalk.
I’m not really a hippie
Once I ate too many pot brownies at a birthday party. We had already been smoking and then the brownies came out and I *needed* to eat four of them, like, right away. After a while I started worrying that I was having a deathly allergic reaction. (I have a severe nut allergy.) I sat there for an eternity, silently worrying that I was dying, convincing myself that I wasn’t, thinking, “Why would I be thinking about an allergic reaction if I wasn’t having one?”, going to the bathroom to see if my face was purple or swollen, coming back reassured, starting to worry again. After probably an hour I finally said, “Guys, I’m not sure if I’m just really really high or if I’m dying of an allergic reaction.”
I was just really really high.
Been there, done that. There IS a reason it’s called Stonerstown.
I’ve never heard anyone refer to San Francisco as “Stonerstown.” Humbolt maybe, but not SF. Unless it’s like a “Frisco” nickname, meaning no one in SF uses it but outsiders do.
also, the “pixonville” mall doesn’t exist because I made a typo. it’s Dixonville Mall
http://mightypeace.com/see-do/things-to-do/worlds-smallest-mall
…must … balance … creepy Julia Wertz fandom with desire to defend home state… grrr … balanciiing….
Oh man, I live next to Stonestown but I never go in it; that’s all going to change now though, because this comic has made me crave a giant cookie like NOTHING ELSE ever has.
I went back to Stonestown years later just to see, and it was surprisingly small. I can’t really figure out (besides the obvious) how I got lost in it.
Texas, nuttin’ but saloon facades and turquoise shills? Actually we invented the mall in 1959 with Big Town Mall, the first air-conditioned shopping center. I worked at a B. Dalton’s Bookseller there in ’80 when the historic edifice was getting a bit threadbare. It was awash in polyester western suits, duty bins of bulk candy and itinerant truckers looking for hardcore porn.
Before the mall was demolished they used to host the semi-annual Big Town Gun Show. You could buy all kinds of weapons without a waiting period, paranoid hate literature, and collectible Beanie Babies.
Ha, Glory Hole in panel 6.
You know, I hate those inflatible men and their horrible, wriggling parody of life _without_ the aid of pot: I can definitely sympathize with your reaction.
ha ha ha! I love it!
………..And a confused, pot smoking man SAVED THE DAY!
*snicker*
That’s fun!
I love the post