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the cookie incident pt 3

May 17, 2012

Part 1

Part 2

FYI- the panel towards the end about being sick all the time is a reference to being diagnosed with systemic lupus in 2003, a few months before this cookie fiasco took place.

Also, after the comic, some exciting and thrilling facts about malls!

The End! The moral of this incredibly stupid story is stay the hell away from malls! Except for the Mall of America, where you go when you want to experience all the bad feelings you’ve ever had all at one, terrible time and then feel nothing for a week after because you’ve drained all your emotional resources and replaced them with the world’s biggest douchechill. It’s kind of A Thing everyone should do at least once.

facts about malls! the Mall of America is the second largest mall in the US. Often incorrectly listed as the largest, it’s 2.78 million square feet and there’s one in Pennsylvania that’s 2.79 million square feet. Burn! But the Mall of America has the distinction of having its own zip code and garners roughly 40 million vistors a year. That’s more than the Disney World, Graceland and the Grand Canyon COMBINED. Basically, more people are going to the Gap and Build-A-Bear than are visiting homages to Walt Disney, Elvis and the Lord, the three most powerful men in America.

The largest mall in the world (in China) is 7.1 million square feet. Wrap your lil’ mind around that gigantic monstrosity! Or don’t, because it’s 99% vacant and 75% of the amazement/horror of malls is other people, so in reality the largest mall in the world is just a very large, expensive disappointment. But China is still on top of the shit pile with the 2nd largest mall in the world, coming in at a formidable 6 million square feet of Cinnabon, boob mugs and hologram crystals of you and your fucking cat, if that’s your thing.

California has the most malls of all the 50 states. Does that surprise you? Well it shouldn’t, since California is the 3rd largest state in the US. The largest is Alaska, but it’s just full of snow and bears and stuff and Texas, the 2nd largest, is all filled up with old western facades of saloons and places to buy turquoise jewelry. The smallest mall in the world is the Dixonville Country Mall in Canada, a title clearly bestowed upon it by locals so who gives a shit about that.

Besides deliberately planning confusing layouts so consumers cannot make an easy exit, malls are often designed to have tile or wood flooring in the halls because some study somewhere showed that women tend to spend more when they can hear the heels of their shoes clicking on the floor like a bunch of bourgeoisie horses stricken with shopping madness. The insides of most stores are carpeted or semi-carpeted, to create a sense of comfort and homeyness, which doesn’t make sense to me because when I think of those two things, I think of watching TV in my pajamas while filling my couch with farts, not buying expensive, uncomfortable clothes that make me hate myself.

Wait a sec, why am I researching all of this? ugh just forget it.