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not a happy camper

April 27, 2011

I keep forgetting that I want to start ongoing “mail bag” posts but this delightful gem of hatred reminded me that sometimes readers opinions are just too entertaining to keep to myself. Here are some seething words of abhorrence from a very upset young man and cranky old lady:

Dear Julia Wertz,

My mother bought me your comic “Drinking At The Movies” upon my hospitalization. You are not funny. The only reason I got 62 pages into your shit-romp was because I was on morphine and percocet for most of the day. Even then, my anger only dissipated into a dull streak of being unmotivated to express my dissatisfaction for your abomination of a book. I thought your book was so terrible that I would personally slap Fiona Apple in the face for even endorsing it. Your humor just makes you look like a whiny alcoholic whose biggest problem is forgetting her damn keys. Your “edgy” use of turd-humor makes me hope that someone with the smears poop on all your belongings and subsequently burns down all your hopes and dreams. All things considered, the publishing executive must have been giving some jimmies’ under the table, because I am beside myself in the notion someone would want to drop their trousers and knowingly wiz on society; like they did by publishing your book. I mean, the fact that someone actually put effort into, wasted resources on and promoted your work gives me a headache. I would rather pass kidney stones instead of read your comics.  Expect a letter of hate as well.
A simple man who actually appreciates comedy,

Hey Chazi,

This is my favorite kind of hate mail: people who are high on government subsidized opiates and  irrationally outraged by a comic book. What are you, 10? Don’t worry, sweet, simple Charlie, soon you will discover boobies and masturbation and you will realize that all that unbridled rage once provoked by comic books was simply the bewildering rumblings of oncoming puberty.  Hang in there, little guy, before you have a heart attack over a Peanuts strip.

Love Julia

The following (truncated) message appeared on Amazon and was deleted a week later. The passionate writer then went on to review such novelties as women’s razors, dog food and a blender. It’s not a letter to me, but I wanted to respond to it because it’s a summation of many similar reviews and comments about not only my work, but many of my peers as well.

I dont know what it is about [your] generation that thinks its acceptable to publish every detail of your life online but I find it boring and narcissistic. Does anyone actually care besides the writer? I can’t imagine so. This is the work of just another selfish, alcholic writer who thinks their life is more entertaining than it is, I’m glad I got this book for free or else I would have been made (sic) that I wasted my money.

-name withheld but totally a creaky old lady with moth balls up her cooch

Dearest Beldam,

Mom? Mom is that you? OMG you read my diary?!! That’s it! I’m moving in with dad! He has a SWIMMING POOL! But jokes aside, this brings to light something I’ve addressed before regarding unnecessary negative reviews via a program called Amazon Vine in which frequent, registered reviewers can receive free books to review online. This poses a huge problem for comic books subjected to this asinine program because it puts comics in the hands of non-comics readers. This poses more a predicament for comics than regular books, because when someone doesn’t like or understand a normal book, they just shrug it off. But if they don’t understand not only the writing but also the accompanying artwork, they feel doubly confused and rather than just chalk it up to something they’re not into, they go on the defensive and villainize the writer.

Now, I’m not saying that this old hag doesn’t have some valid points, she does. I certainly am selfish and there are a great many people who don’t care, and yes, I am of that “over-sharing/narcissistic” generation because when I was just a twinkle in my parent’s eye up in heaven and God said, “child, when do you want to grace the earth with your presence?” I enthusiastically replied, “oh, 1982 please! I would just love to come of age during an economic crisis, war and world wide disaster! And I want to do it ON THE INTERNET! oh, and pretty please make me a whiny alcoholic just for shits and giggles!” Then God went and gave me everything I asked for and I lived happily ever after.

Love Julia


Disclaimer: I have a (sometimes faulty) policy of answering every email, but as this one arrived via online comments, I decided to make it the first public response to hate mail that I’ve done since Fart Party vol 1. However I’d like to make it clear that I don’t need anyone to jump to my defense nor attempt to reassure me that I’m not as terrible as the letter implies. I get plenty of mail and reviews to the contrary, I just don’t find them as fun to make public. If you have words you’d like to say to me, send em to JuliaJWertz(at)gmail(dot)com