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What Are Babies Good For?

March 23, 2011

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Stephen March 25, 2011 at 9:20 pm

I COMPLETELY agree. Wait till your sister has a baby and takes offence because you don’t want to go and help change his nappy – something she regards as a treat.

Jerry Steinberg, Founding Non-Father of NO KIDDING! July 18, 2011 at 11:56 pm

They’re also good for sucking up every cent you have earned. They’re a good excuse if you don’t want to have sex (“We can’t, we’ll wake the baby!”), or a meaningful conversation with your partner (“Not now, we’ll wake the baby!”).

They can help you fill your empty life with meaningful and rewarding activities, such as changing diapers 5,000 to 8,000 times during each child’s diaper lifetime, doing endless loads of laundry, trying to remove barf stains from every piece of furniture in the house, and every carpet, and every wall, and all your clothes.

They’re good for our consumer society, wherein toys and their batteries have to be replaced frequently; oh yeah, and clothes, and shoes, and…

They help us fill our landfills to the point where we can ship our garbage thousands of kilometers to the nearest dumping ground (that is, if it doesn’t get dumped at sea). You can be relieved that all those toxic batteries are being buried far from where you live.

They give us a reason to drive our vehicles everywhere, all the time — take the kid to the doctor, to playdates, to daycare, to nursery school, to elementary school, to high school, shopping, etc. If you have several kids, you won’t need a place to park your car, ’cause you’ll never have time to park it, given all the kid-chores that require a vehicle.

When they’re very, very young, and haven’t yet learned to crawl, they make cute doorstops.

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