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an incorrectly examined life

February 7, 2011

Someone apparently used me for an outline of some sort for a college class and uploaded it onto the internet, so I got to read a misinformed study of my own life. WEIRD! It’s awfully self indulgent of me to link it here, but surely anyone reading this knows that modesty isn’t something I concern myself with. I don’t mean to disparage the writer of the paper, but said writer might want to run a spell check before turning this in. Also, there are many factual errors, some of which I’m bothering to correct, because I’m procrastinating getting to work. I certainly don’t expect anyone to know and/or remember my personal life, but some of the facts are out there in books and if you’re going to write a paper about me, you might want to check said books. Just sayin’. On with the red marker!

“to inform the class about Julia Wertz, her rough childhood and college experience, and he (sic) rise to indi-comic (sic) stardom.”
aw, my childhood wasn’t rough, we were just poor! And it’s not like I even knew it, kids never know they’re poor until their classmates point out that their hand me downs don’t fit. But even then I was like “what” because kids are dumb and don’t understand money. Things didn’t go to the shitter until I was 13. Then everything just went to a fresh hell I’ve purposefully left out of my current books.

“She went on to go to college in the bay area studying art, with her then boyfriend Oliver, a Law major.”
– I did not go to college for art (is that not obvious? I can’t draw for shit) and I did not go to college with my boyfriend and he was not a law major. It might seem picky of me to point that out, but I very clearly stated in a comic that he was a psych major. Also, I don’t think I ever talked about my college experience in my books. I was so disinterested and unengaged in college that I hardly remember even going. Maybe this paper should talk about what a load of horse shit I think college is. I didn’t even go to my graduation and I don’t think I even got a diploma. Hell, maybe I didn’t even graduate, who even knows/cares.

“Near the end of her otherwise normal college years, she was fell gravely ill…as well as several nasty infections”
-ah, right, that’s what I was busy doing in college. But I did not fall “gravely ill.” That term evokes the scarlet fever or cholera or something. I was seriously ill, sure, but gravely is an overstatement. Also, I did not have “several nasty infections.” I had shingles on my ass ONE TIME. One time people! Is that why I never get laid? people think I have “several nasty infections?” Man, you get systemic lupus for life and shingles once and no one will ever touch you again.

-“After her long period of medical related captivity, she began to once again get her life together.”
WRONG! after I got better, I became a raging alcoholic! LOL! I got my life together when I quit drinkin’ all my meals.

-Her first ever comic, titled ‘Hobo Spider´ was drawn for a friend’s birthday in 2004, as she was too poor to buy a proper gift.”
TRUE! I’m a terrible friend!

-“Sadly, 2001 was a rough year to attempt to break into the comic world”
I wouldn’t have had a clue, I was 18 in 2001 and wouldn’t draw a comic for another 3 years

-“… since she was not associated with the large publishing companies”
again, 18, not sure exactly what my agenda was, but I was probably busy trying to get laid. Also shoplifting.

“This also meant that she was doomed to toil away in obscurity, which began to take its toll on the emerging artist.”
wait, that’s what was “taking it’s toll on me?” well fuck me in the face, I thought it was because I’d been diagnosed with an incurable autoimmune disease. Huh, I know nothing.

“All of this reached a head when her bother O.D. for what would be the first of many time, leader her to, as she put it in Fart Party Vol. 1, ³ “Jump into the whisky well´
oh man, I started drinking waaaaaay before that. That’s pretty much what my first two books are about.

-“During this dark time, her long term boyfriend moved to Vermont, paralyzed by this development Julia opted to stay in San Francisco”
he did! what a dick! haha kidding. I didn’t stay in SF because I was “paralyzed,” I stayed there because that’s where I lived. Why the hell would I move to Vermont for no good reason? Love? Woof.

and the rest of it continues to harp on my depression and hard drinking and such, which is all tediously true. However, the writer repeatedly states that “Julia Wertz, a contemporary sequential artist rose to stardom despite crushing personal, emotional, and medical problems.” Wrong again! Drinking at the Movies was well received upon publication, but shortly after, Random House dropped me because no one buys comics and now I’m unemployed and once again toiling away in obscurity. haha! Conclusion: It’s pretty much the worst being me. Happy Monday everyone!