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top fives in picture shows of 2010

January 3, 2011

I know I just denounced all the “Best of” lists, but after reading a bunch of them, and decided I was wrong. Why? Because those lists are the perfect platform for complaining, and lord knows I love me some complaining!

Disclaimer: please note this list will be most likely be woefully incomplete, as I spent the first half of the year contracting such a severe case of women’s hysteria brought on by the drink that the men folk threw me in a sanitarium, thus causing me to miss many of the year’s debuts. Or, more accurately, I spent some time in rehab and missed the release of Marmaduke. So please forgive any glaring oversights. Also please note that I have terrible taste in pretty much everything.
So, without further babbling, here are some of my top 5 movies:

Top 5 comedies:

1. Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work. I didn’t realize how little I knew about Joan Rivers until I saw this documentary, which wasn’t terribly funny, and gave me the existential dispairs, but it made me see her in an entirely different light. Not necessarily a better light, but a softer, oddly empathetic one. Joan Rivers herself isn’t all that funny, but the fallout is.

2. Get Him to the Greek: Sure this was just a silly trifle of a comedy wrought with barf/dick/drug jokes, but I loved that kind of garbage. (Besides, I could not possibly, in good conscious, point to that type of humor in any disparaging way, considering the drivel I churn out.) Plus I unashamedly like Russell Brand. His book was one of the most enjoyable reads I’ve had this year. Plus it forced my brother to say “Booky Wook” at least a half a dozen times to confused bookstore owners in Bumfuck, Arizona. Lolzcatz.

3. Date Night. I felt (as well as did many critics) that Steve Carell and Tina Fey were held back by the script and its ‘almost funny but not quite there’ lines, and had they been allowed to improvise more, the movie might have been funnier. That said, it was still totally enjoyable in that ‘something you’ll never really think about again’ type of way. Also, for some mysterious reason, I kinda cried at the end when they were eating breakfast. I was all “boo-hoo they’re eating PANCAKES, in a DINER! Waaah!” It didn’t really make any sense and I don’t want to talk about it.

4. Black Swan. I don’t know exactly what it was about this movie, but it cracked my shit up. You know whose shit it didn’t crack up? About 100% of the other people in the theater with me.

5. Cats & Dogs, the Revenge of Kitty Galore. Can you imagine what it feels like to be an actor and you go to your agent’s office and say, “you got anything for me, Bert?” and he says, “yes, actually, something just came down the pike this morning, let’s see…ah yes, here it is, a lil’ comedy called ‘Cats & Dogs, the Revenge of Kitty Galore.’ Whadda ya say, old sport, give it a read?” I didn’t see this movie and I’m sure it was atrocious, but the concept alone merits a mention on this list.

siiigh. 2010 wasn’t a good year for comedies. I just wanted every movie to be The Loop.

Top five dramas/thrillers/dramadies:

1) The Social Network: I’m hesitant to put this as number one, but I really can’t think of one film that screamed to be in this place, so fuck it, I’ll just go with it. The dialogue is sharp and irreverent and sometimes pretty damn funny. I appreciated how the film didn’t attempt to explain who Zuckerberg was through manipulative childhood or teenage vignettes and just told the story with the facts and quotes at hand. I don’t know if I hate or admire Zuckerberg, but that’s the point.

2. Animal Kingdom: This movie, about an Australian family of criminals, was a slow burn movie, meaning that the more I thought about it, the better it got. (This works in reverse as well. See: Inception)

3. Inception: Because movies cost a million dollars to see, I’ve come to the conclusion that I only want to spend that kind of money on captivating, spectacular eye candy. Bonus if it’s smart. Inception was all those things and I left the theater satisfied. However, the more I thought about it, the more I nit-picked about how the worlds they created in their dreams really didn’t live up to what I would consider dream world potential and I don’t like snow scenes. Really. Do not like. Snow scenes. Don’t like em. No thanks.

4. Winter’s Bone: When this movie was listed in papers, it appeared thusly: Winter’s Bone(R). And watching this movie was a boner indeed. A dreary and frustrating boner, but in all the best ways.

5. True Grit: Man oh man do I love me some fancy wordsmithery, and this movie is pretty much all that coupled with classic old cowboy movie elements like cooking beans over fires, shooting at whiskey bottles and Jeff Bridges playing a lovable, cantankerous old drunk. Okay that last part isn’t classic, but it’s getting there.

Top 5 worst, category 1: Top 10 Grossing movies. There were soooo many movies I wanted to put on this list that I’m just going to settle for crapping on half of the 10 highest grossing films of the year.

1. Alice in Wonderland. Words cannot express how much I hated this movie. HATED IT. I hated it so fucking much that I didn’t even finish watching it, despite having paid to rent it. Okay I might be going overboard, but really, it’s beyond time for Tim Burton and Johnny Depp to call it quits with their onscreen bromance. Just touch the tips and be done with it already.

2. Shrek Forever After: Yawn. Who even cares anymore? Who even cared to begin with?

3. How to Train Your Dragon. Admittedly, I didn’t see this movie, but c’mon, How to Train Your Dragon? HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON? That title is a boner joke’s wet dream.

4. Clash of the Titans. See above.

5. Twilight: Eclipse: Twilight is such an easy target that I’m just going to tell you this little antidote: Last year I had a free ticket to AMC when New Moon was playing, and that was the only movie playing that I hadn’t seen. I went in the middle of the afternoon on a Monday, and the only people in the theater were me and a middle aged guy sitting alone and too close to the screen. I don’t know which one of us I was more embarrassed for.

Top 5 worst, category 2: Celebrity comedy fuck fests. Cramming a bunch of funny people into a comedy does not a good show make. Let’s take a gander:

1. Dinner for Shmucks: I so badly wanted to enjoy this movie, but there was so much hype that the few, honest laughs it evoked were overshadowed by disappointment.

2. Due Date: You know the assumption that two beautiful people will undoubtedly have a beautiful baby? That’s the hope I had for this movie. Robert Downey Jr is one my favorite actors. Zack Galifinakas is one of my favorite comedians. But if this mediocre comedy was the baby they made together, I can only imagine they looked at it and said, “oof, maybe we should have used a condom.”

3. Marmaduke. MARAMFUCKINGDUKE. I didn’t see it.

4. When in Rome: I didn’t expect anything from this movie, but it did have an impressive list of funny people attached to it. I got the feeling that it was a “so and so knows so and so” industry obligation kinda thing because none of them were funny in this movie and the whole thing was just an embarrassing- yet luckily insignificant- mess.

5. Valentine’s Day. These kinds of movies just make me hate everything. And not in that predicable “poor me, I’m still single” kind of way, but in that “if this is what romance is, I’m going to sew up my vagina and get on with gettin’ fat” kinda way, ammiright or what, ladies?

Up next: big bummers on the small screen!